I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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