I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
