im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
