so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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