matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
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