Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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