god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
