yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
