when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
