At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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