i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
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I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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