I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
