She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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