I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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