I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
