I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Everclear isn't food dammit
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
