I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
