you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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