I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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