You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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