and i looked up. we had an audience...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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