were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My balls are so social today.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
