it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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