I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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