Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
