Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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