so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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