You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
