I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
