Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.