We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket