i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
