I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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