last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize