I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
