Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
tell your sister to shave her snatch
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
