I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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