Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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