Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
