apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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