Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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