Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?