just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me