why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
