my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I got inside last night via doggy door
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.