I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
