i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
