perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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