Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
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I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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