I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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