im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
