So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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