I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
