I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
