Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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