He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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