I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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