I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
