I'm laying in your front yard are you home
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
